Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy";
Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang".
Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress".
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo";
Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"
Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric";
Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad".
Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom";
Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba";
Kung ang senorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi".
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga" o "tsimay"
Kung nasa high society ka, you are called "slender" o balingkinitan";
Kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "ting-ting"o kartada dos
Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite";
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar".
Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump";
Kapag mahirap ka at ika'y "mataba", "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba",
pagminamalas ka, "baboy", "balyena".
Kung well-off ka, at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "game";
Kung mahirap ka ikaw ay "pakawala" o "pam-pam".
Kung mayaman at alembong ka ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated";
Pero kung isa kang dukha ang tawag sa iyo "malandi", "makati", "haliparot".
Kung maypera ka ang tawag sa iyo "single parent";
Pero kung wala kang trabaho ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada", "nagpakalabit".
Health conscious ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain "vegetarian"
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na " kumakain ng damo."
Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro.
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro,
ang tawag sa kanila ay "walang hiya", walang modo", "bastos", walang galang".
Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood";
Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang".
Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner"
Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo", "gunggong", "utak lamok".
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kinain, you flatter your host who says, "magana kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking",
Kung ghastly peasant ka and eating the same amount of food in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" o "masiba".
Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa computer mo, "okay lang"
Pero kung ikaw ay isang hamak na empleyado lamang, ikaw ay "nagbubulakbol"
You are visitor number
Political Correctness?
Jokes for all seasons
GF: Magaling! At sino tong Baby na nagtext sa iyo?
BF: Ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang ang palayaw.
GF: Oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!
PEDRO: Niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
JUAN: Paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
PEDRO: Nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
INA: Anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: Nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: Lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'You only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay dahil mukhang matapobre.
Nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.
BANTAY: Sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.
ERAP: Bobo! Seedless ito!
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
TEACHER: Natural hindi.
STUDENT: Good, di ko po ginawa ang assignment ko!
Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.
ATTENDANT: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase na iyan!
ERAP: Hay salamat. Akala ko ay bago
Sa Math Class...
Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang piraso na?
Banong: 2 po ma'am!
Teacher: At kung hinati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep ma'am! GINILING na po! GINILING!!!
BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali ! Lagi nalang ako mali !!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Shet! Mali na naman ako!!!
(Sa loob ng Mall)
GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since...
JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
FROG: What does my future hold?
FAIRY: You'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: Great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: No, in Bbiology class
Inspiring quote of the day:
'Hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos ang kasipagan ko.'
MRS: Hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: Uhm.. both..
MRS: Anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: Ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.
TEACHER: Okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PEDRO: Ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
TEACHER: Okay Pedro, what is science?
PEDRO: Science is our lesson for today.
AMO: Inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.
(nilabas ni Inday)
INDAY: Off you go! Under no circumstances this house would relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!
PULUBI: Oh! I'm so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!
(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!) NOSEBLEED!!
BOB: Nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?
PULUBI: Nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.
BOB: Hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?
PULUBI: Pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!
DOC: Umubo ka!
PEDRO: Ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: Ubo pa!
PEDRO: Ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: Okay.
PEDRO: Ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: May ubo ka.
1. Trulalu.
2. eklavu
3. eklavu.
4. trulalu
5. eklavu
6. trulalu
7. trulalu.
8. eklavu
9. trulalu
10. trulalu
-batang bading nagsasagot ng true or false na quiz.
MEKANIKO: Sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.
CUSTOMER: Ha?! Paano na yan?
MEKANIKO: Nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina! Happy trip na lang po!
Divorced father: Anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.
Anak: Mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.
Mom: Sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!
BOY1: Nakakaawa naman lola mo.
BOY2: Bakit?
BOY1: Nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.
Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.
BOY2: Papansin lang yun!
BOY1: Bakit?
BOY2: Bago kasi ang blouse niya!
A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: Everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!
TEACHER: Mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
MGA BATA: Eeewwww!
Magsyota sa motel.
BF: Alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: Sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: Oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!
PARI: Halika sa sulok
MADRE: Bakit po?
PARI: Isara mo ang pinto.
MADRE: Wag po!
PARI: Patayin mo ang ilaw!
MADRE: Diyos ko po!
PARI: Kitamo ang rosary ko. Glow in the dark!
TITSER: Ba't ka na-late?
EDWARD: Nawalan ho kasi ng 500 yung lalaki.
TITSER: Tinulungan mo siyang maghanap?
EDWARD: Hindi po, tinapakan ko lang hanggang umalis siya.
Sa kasalan
PARI: Sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: Eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: Eto P4 sukli mo iho.
Sinauli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: Sobrang dami ng characters wala namang istorya!
LIBRARIAN: Kayo pala ang kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
JAIME ZOBEL DE AYALA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Spanish.
HENRY SY: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese.
LITO ATIENZA: 1/2 Hawaiian, 1/2 Polo.
MIKE ARROYO: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 pork.
JOHN OSMENA: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay.
PROSPERO PICHAY: 1/2 Unggoy, 1/2 gulay.
GMA: 1/2 ... only.
SA OSPITAL.....
WIFE: Hon, nahirapan ako huminga.
HUSBAND: Kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.
ANAK: Inay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?
NANAY: Iyun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.
ANAK: Mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!
NANAY: Bakit?
ANAK: Ang dami niyong utos eh!
Kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?
DORAY: Mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro, baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : Hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: Bakit mare?
PINAY: Virgin pa kasi ako.
Joke joke joke
Flash light
Usa ka gabii ang niagi, si Pedro gipamaak ug lamok mao nidagan sya ngadto sa iya mama ug niingon.
Pedro: Nay! Nay! Gipaak ko sa mga lamok sa kwarto.
Nanay: Nak, palunga lang na ang suga para di sila kita nimo.
Gipalong dayon ni Pedro ang suga. Ug sa dihang nanulod ang mga aninipot. Nidagan dayon si Pedro balik sa iya nanay nga naghilak.
Pedro: Nay! Nay! Nagda na silag flash light.
-END-
Eh Kase Bata
Tatlong magkaibigan nagpapayabangan:
BOY 1 : "Lahi namin and mahabang buhay, ang Lolo ko namatay 88 years old na."
BOY 2 : "Ako, ang Lolo ko namatay 98 years old na."
BOY 3 : "Wala iyan! Ang Lolo ko sobrang tanda, kaya pinatay na lang namin!"
LITTLE JUANITO : "Tatay, how was I born?"
OLD TATAY : "Ah, my beloved son, I guess one day you will find out anyway! Well, you see, your Nanay and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Nanay and we met at a cyber-cafe! We sneaked into a secluded room where your Nanay agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said: 'YOU GOT MALE!'"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Tay, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Tatay answered: "Well, anak, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine!"
ANAK : "Tay, di ba sabi ninyo nuon na-expel kayo sa college!"
DAD : "0o, bakit?"
ANAK : "Totoo pala ang kasabihang 'history repeats itself!'"
SON : ""Tay, I saved 6.50 pesos today!"
FATHER : "Paano?"
SON : "Di ako sumakay ng jeep, sinabayan ko na lang ng pagtakbo hanggang makarating ako dito sa bahay!"
FATHER : "Bobo, sana mas malaki ang natipid mo kung ang sinabayan mo ay iyong taksi!"
ANAK : "Tatay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?"
TATAY : "Anak, pag kumain tayo sa labas, 'dinner' 'yun. Pag dito kakain ng luto ng Nanay mo, 'suffer' 'yun!"
TATAY : "Anak, ibili mo ako ng soft drink."
ANAK : "Coke o Pepsi?"
TATAY : "Coke".
ANAK : "Diet o Regular?"
TATAY : "Regular".
ANAK : "Bote o can?"
TATAY : "Bote".
ANAK : "8 oz o 2 litro?"
TATAY : "Anak ka ng Ina mo, tubig na lang!"
ANAK : "Mineral, distilled o purified?" (He, he, he, wala ng katapusan ito)
Anak, tumawag sa kanyang tatay na nasa States:
ANAK : "Tay, padalhan mo ako ng pera. Kinain ng daga ang mga damit ko!"
TATAY : "Sorry, anak, wala akong pera, kung gusto mo ipadadala ko ang pusa ko dito!"
LOLO : Jhonny kuhaa akong kape
APO : Lo, jenny po
LOLO : Jhonny palihug ko sa kutchara
APO : Lo, Jenny po
LOLO : Punyeta ka Jhonny, ayaw pag sige ug binayot dha!
MOM : Did'nt I tell u dat if a guy touches ur boobs say DON'T, and if he touches ur pussy say STOP!
GIRL : Right, but he touches both at the same time so I said DON'T STOP!
Erap puzzles
Reporter..
Reporter: Bakit mo pinisil boob ko?
Erap: Kasi may nakalagay Press
Cabinet member: Mr. President our population growth rate is very alarming, there is 1
Woman giving birth every minute!
Erap: We have to stop this and look for that woman!
Puzzle 1
Erap's Answer
Puzzle 3
Puzzle 4
Senior citizen
1st night-Lola wear see through dress....Lolo did'nt react...
2nd night, Lola wear t-back...Lolo still deadma...
3rd night, Lola all naked...Lolo said; ANO YAN SUOT MO, GUSOT-GUSOT!?
OLD WOMAN : "Fire! Call Hello, Help! Send someone over quickly! "Two naked men are climbing up towards my bedroom window!", screamed the old woman into the phone.
DISPATCHER AT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT : "This is the Fire Dept., lady!" "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Dept.!"
OLD WOMAN : "No, it your department that I want", she yelled back. "They need a longer ladder!"
Lola hinoldap.
LOLA : Wala akong pera!
HOLDAPER : Alam ko kung nasan pera mo.(sabay pinasok ang kamay sa bra ni lola)
LOLA : Tuloy mo pa. Me cheke pa sa ibaba!
LOLA: Mahal make love tayo.
LOLO: Sige, kunin ko muna condom.
LOLA: Sira ulo di na ako mabubuntis!
LOLO: Alam ko kaya lang may rayuma ako, di pwede mabasa.
Lolo at lola naghati sa isang meal sa Mcdo. Lolo kain pero nuod lang ang lola.
WAITER : Bakit nyo pa hinati?
LOLO : 50-50 kami.
WAITER : lola bakit hindi pa kayo kumakain?
LOLA : Gamit pa nya pustiso ko.
Lolo bagong kasal sa sexy:
SEXY : Ano honey, kaya mo pa ba?
LOLO : Oo ganto pa nga eh,(sabay buka ng kamay)
SEXY : 5? Kaya mo pa ng 5 beses?
LOLO : Hindi! Pili ka alin daliri?
LOLO : Lab, 69 naman tayo o!
LOLA : Damuho ka kung kailan tayo tumanda saka ka naging bastos! Di ka na nahiya sa sarili mo. Tama na sakin itong DOG STYLE!
SEXY : Pa-check-up po, Doc
DOC : O sige, Punta ka sa likod ng kurtina. Maghubad ka na.
SEXY : Hindi po ako. Itong lola ko po.
DOC : Ganoon ba. Sige Lola, hingang malalim.
Husband vs Wife
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
This Iz A Stikkup!
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.Guranteed Weight Loss Program
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
Filipino names
This article was written by a British journalist stationed in the Philippines.
His observations are so hilarious!!! ! This was written in 1999.
WHEN I arrived in the Philippines from the UK six years ago, one of the first cultural differences to strike me was names. The subject has provided a continuing source of amazement and amusement ever since. The first unusual thing, from an English perspective, is that everyone here has a nickname. In the staid and boring United Kingdom, we have nicknames in kindergarten, but when we move into adulthood we tend, I am glad to say, to lose them.
The second thing that struck me is that Philippine names for both girls and boys tend to be what we in the UK would regard as overbearingly cutesy for anyone over about five. Fifty-five-year- olds colleague put it. Where I come from, a boy with a nickname like Boy Blue or Honey Boy would be beaten to death at school by pre-adolescent bullies, and never make it to adulthood. So, probably, would girls with names like Babes, Lovely, Precious, Peachy or Apples. Yuk, ech ech.
Here, however, no one bats an eyelid. Then I noticed how many people have what I have come to call "door-bell names". These are nicknames that sound like -well, doorbells. There are millions of them. Bing, Bong, Ding, and Dong are some of the more common. They can be, and frequently are, used in even more door-bell-like combinations such as Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong, Ting-Ting, and so on. Even our newly appointed chief of police has a doorbell name Ping. None of these doorbell names exist where I come from, and hence sound unusually amusing to my untutored foreign ear.
Someone once told me that one of the Bings, when asked why he was called Bing, replied, "because my brother is called Bong". Faultless logic. Dong, of course, is a particularly funny one for me, as where I come from "dong" is a slang word for well; perhaps "talong" is the best Tagalog equivalent.
Repeating names was another novelty to me, having never before encountered people with names like Len-Len, Let-Let, Mai-Mai, or Ning-Ning. The secretary I inherited on my arrival had an unusual one: Leck-Leck. Such names are then frequently further refined by using the "squared" symbol, as in Len2 or Mai2. This had me very confused for a while.
Then there is the trend for parents to stick to a theme when naming their children. This can be as simple as making them all begin with the same letter, as in Jun, Jimmy, Janice, and Joy. More imaginative parents shoot for more sophisticated forms of assonance or rhyme, as in Biboy, Boboy, Buboy, Baboy (notice the names get worse the more kids there are-best to be born early or you could end up being a Baboy). Even better, parents can create whole families of, say, desserts (Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Honey Pie) or flowers (Rose, Daffodil, Tulip). The main advantage of such combinations is that they look great painted across your trunk if you're a cab driver.
That's another thing I'd never seen before coming to Manila -- taxis with the driver's kids' names on the trunk.
Another whole eye-opening field for the foreign visitor is the phenomenon of the "composite" name. This includes names like Jejomar (for Jesus, Joseph and Mary), and the remarkable Luzviminda (for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao, believe it or not). That's a bit like me being called something like "Engscowani" (for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland). Between you and me, I'm glad I'm not.
And how could I forget to mention the fabulous concept of the randomly inserted letter 'h'. Quite what this device is supposed to achieve, I have not yet figured out, but I think it is designed to give a touch of class to an otherwise only averagely weird name. It results in creations like Jhun, Lhenn, Ghemma, and Jhimmy. Or how about Jhun-Jhun (Jhun2)?
How boring to come from a country like the UK full of people with names like John Smith. How wonderful to come from a country where imagination and exoticism rule the world of names. Even the towns here have weird names; my favorite is the unbelievably named town of Sexmoan (ironically close to Olongapo and Angeles). Where else in the world could that really be true? Where else in the world could the head of the Church really be called Cardinal Sin? Where else but the Philippines! Note: Philippines has a senator named Joker, and it is his legal name.
Status: In a relationship
Misis : Dir, bkit may black eye ka?
Mister: Paakyat kc ako sa escalator sa mega mall. Napansin ko na naipit yung mini skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kanyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, humarap sya sakin at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.
Misis : Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black eye mo sa kanang mata?
Mister : E kase, kala ko gusto nyang nakaipit talaga yung palda nya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.
BF: "Sweetie, puwede ko bang ipasok ang aking pag-ibig sa butas ng iyong pagmamahal?"
GF: "Sobra ka namang magsalita, sweetie, nakakabuntis ka ng damdamin!"
Iska: "Kung may gustong mag-rape sa akin, talaga bang ipagtatanggol mo ako kahit mamatay ka?"
Kiko: "Simpre!"
Iska: "Paano kung dalawa sila?"
Kiko: "Kahit pa!"
Iska: "Eh, kung lima o anim sila?"
Kiko: "Teka nga muna! Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo ang ma-rape ka o ang mamatay ako?"
Types of couples (Version 1) :
1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = made in heaven.
2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = true love.
3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = galing diskarte.
4. Boy Panget + Girl Panget = no choice.
Types of couples (Version 2) :
1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = nagmamahalan
2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = pinikot!
3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = tinutukan!
4. Boy Panget + Girl Pangit = pasensyahan
Lalaki: "Taksil ka! Baog ako paano ka nabuntis? Sino ang ama? Ang kaibigan kong si Karyo, si Pekto, o si Teban?"
Asawa: "Puro kaibigan mo, kaibigan mo na lang! Bakit ako ba ay walang kaibigan?"
Man: "May nakapagsabi na ba sa iyo na maganda ka?"
Woman: (Kilig to the bones) "Wala pa nga, eh...!"
Man: "Palagay ko, tama sila!"
Wife: "Pag may problema ako, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo!"
Husband: "Sabi ko na nga ba eh! Talagang mahal na mahal mo ako!"
Wife: "Hindi iyon! Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO!"
Mrs.: Lolokohin ko ang Mister ko. Magpapangggap akong pick-up girl.
Pagkakita kay Mister: "Hi Pogi! Available ako ngayon".
Mister: "Ayoko sa iyo! Kamukha ka ng Misis ko!"
Man and woman after sex:
WOMAN: Bakit kuha mo picture ang flower ko?
MAN: Papasikat ako sa barkada ko, Bat ikaw kuha mo picture bird ko?
WOMAN: wala, ipapaenlarge ko.
"Darling, ni-rape ako ng gorilya sa bundok!" hangos na sumbong ng asawang babae.
"Walanghiyang gorilya `yon, teka nga!" sigaw ng lalaki sabay layas para umakyat sa bundok.
Pagkalipas ng isang oras, bumalik ang lalaki.
"Naipaghiganti na kita, Darling," sabi ng lalaki.
"Napatay mo na `yung gorilya?" tanong ng babae.
"Hindi, Darling, ni-rape ko rin `yung asawa niya!"
Nakasalubong ng mayor at misis nito ang dating manliligaw ng babae.
"`Di ba nanligaw sa iyo dati `yang lalaking `yan?" tanong ng mayor sa asawa.
"Oo," sagot ng misis.
"Kita mo na, kung siya ang pinakasalan mo, `di sana, hindi ka misis ng mayor ngayon?" pagyayabang ng mayor.
Tumaas lang ang kilay ng misis.
"Kung siya ang pinakasalan ko, `di sana, siya ngayon ang mayor at hindi ikaw."
"Ibinebenta n`yo ho itong Civic ng isanlibong piso lang? Ano po ang diperensiya?" pagtatakang tanong ni Juan sa binisitang bahay ni Maria na nagpa-advertise ng binebentang kotse.
"Wala. Tatlong buwan pa lang `yan sa amin ng mister ko," sabi ni Maria.
"Bakit n`yo ibinebenta nang mura?"
"Iniwanan ako ng mister ko noong isang linggo at sumama sa sekretarya niya. Ang sabi niya sa akin, akin ang bahay, ang lupa at ang pera namin sa bangko. Pakibenta na lang daw ang kotseng ito at ibigay sa kanya ang pinagbentahan at `ayun na lang daw ang sa kanya," paliwanag ng benggadorang si Maria.
"Habang pinapanood mong inumin ang kapeng may lason ng asawa mo, hindi ka man lang ba naawa sa kanya kahit isang beses?" tanong ng abogado sa babaeng nasasakdal.
"Naawa naman po," sagot ng babae.
"At kailan `yon?"
"Nu'ng humingi siya ng isa pang tasa ng kape."
Mrs: "Darling, manganganak na ako!
Mr: "Ha?, Sige, pigilan mo muna at dadalhin kita sa Pizza Hut!"
Mrs: "Bakit sa Pizza Hut at hindi sa hospital?"
Mrs: "Kasi sa Pizza Hut ay may free delivery!"
Umuwi mula Saudi si Juancho at siyempre marami siyang dalang pasalubong. Nag-umpisang pakialaman ng kanyang misis ang mga bagahe niya.
"Para kanino itong mga alak na ito?" tanong ng misis ni Juancho.
"Para kay Parenng Warlow `yan, nagbago na ako at hindi na ako umiinom ng alak," sagot ni Juancho.
"Mabuti naman. At para kanino naman itong mga sigarilyo na ito?"
"Para naman kay Pareng Danny. Sabi ko nga sa mga sulat ko sa iyo na nagbago na ako, 'di ba? Hindi na ako umiinom, naninigarilyo at nambababae."
"Ay, salamat sa Diyos," nasabi na lang ng kanyang misis habang nagsasalansan pa rin ng mga gamit at nakita ang iba pang dalahin. "Para sa akin ba itong mga pabango at mga make-up?"
"Hindi!" sigaw ni Juancho. "Sabi ko nga sa iyo nagbago na ako. Akin na `yang mga beauty set ko at akin 'yan!
From now on don't call me Juancho. I'm Joan, please!"
After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng GIRL sa organ ng lalaki...
BF : Gusto mo pa?
GF : Hindi, nami miss ko lang....meron kasi ako dati nito eh!
Mom interviews her daughter's suitor:
Mom: What's your course?
Suitor: Geo po (for geology).
Mom: Ahhh... Geo-rnalism. Ok yan. (ok nga!)
Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ
BF: What do you take me for? Granted?!!!
Guy to Girl
GUY: I love you. This is not a ball. ("Hindi ito bola" in English)
Ransom
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
Huwag Po Itay!
Nais kong ibahagi sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing iyon. Malakas ang ulan noon nguni't maalinsangan ang simoy ng hangin.
Ako ay nagsusuklay sa aking silid, katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang noon . Narinig kong kumakatok si Itay sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pagkatok niya ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming mag-usap at humiling na papasukin siya. Binuksan ko ang pinto at siya'y kagyat na pumasok sa aking silid.
Laking pagkagulat ko nang ipinid niya at susian ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang aking mga kamay, hinaplos-haplos niya ang aking buhok, ang aking mukha, pinaraan niya ang kanyang mga daliri sa aking kilay, sa aking mga pisngi,sa aking mga labi. Napasigaw ako.
"ITAY, huwag, huwag! Ako'y inyong anak! Utang na loob, Itay!" Nguni't parang walang narinig ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa. Ipinikit ko na lamang ang aking mga mata dahil ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking ama habang ipinagpapatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa sa akin.
Naririnig ko si Inay sumisigaw habang binabayo ang pinto at nagpipilit na ito'y buksan, "Hayop ka! hayop ka! Huwag mong gawin iyan sa anak mo! Huwag mong sirain ang kanyang kinabukasan".
Subalit wala ring nagawa si Inay, hindi rin siya pinakinggan ni Itay. Nanatili na lamang akong walang katinag-tinag at ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang aking sarili sa anumang gustong gawin ng aking Itay.
Pagkalipas ng ilang oras ay tumigil na rin ang aking Itay. Iniharap niya ako sa salamin ay ganoon na lamang ang aking pagkamangha at pagkagulat sa aking nakita. Magaling naman palang mag-make-up si Itay.
Nang gabing iyon ay nagtapat sa akin ang aking ama. Bakla pala siya. Labis akong nagalak sa galing at husay ng aking ama. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil lalo akong gumanda ngayon. Niyakap ko si Itay at pareho kaming napaluha sa labis na kagalakan. Masaya na kami ngayon at nabubuhay nang matiwasay.
Lovingly yours,
BADONG
Please scroll down to see pictures.
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To your think
The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog. Pls read with feelings...
********************
October 1996
To Marjie,
I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.
And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Marie Chan?
Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are
a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING.
You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.
I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.
Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.
P.S.
You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.
Pinoy odd signs and quotes
Posted outside a house in Jaro, Iloilo - HOUSE FOR RENT, FULLY FURNACED (Boy, it must be hot in there.)
On a glass window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan - WE SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT
Posted at a construction site in Mandaluyong - BAWAL OMEHI DITO, ANG MAHOLI, BOG-BOG !
On the fence of a makeshift parking lot in Pasay - PARKING PEE: P10
Printed on a streamer in front of a gym in Lucena City - We Almost Have Complete Set of Gym Equipments (Now, how's that for truth in advertising?)
In a supermarket in Baguio - FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE
Outside a flower shop along Avenida Rizal - WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS
In a bowling center in Congressional - PARKING FOR COSTUMERS ONLY
In a restaurant in Cebu - WE HAB SOP-DRINK IN CAN AN IN BATOL
On the glass wall of an eatery in Panay Avenue near National Bookstore (but this was a long time ago) - WANTED: WAITER, CASHIER, WASHIER
In San Andres, Manila - NO URINATING ON THE OVER WALLS.
In a classified ads section - WANTED SALESLADY, 20-25 YEARS OLD, PROBABLY SINGLE
Outside a sari-sari store in front of the gate of Green Valley in Baguio -NO CRIDET
In a building in Cubao - NONE ID, NOTHING ENTRY
Outside a videoke bar in Pampanga - WANTED FEMALE LADY SINGER
Along a highway in Pampanga - WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE
The name of a laundry shop in Bo. Kapitolyo in Pasig - CINAVON (hey, i once used this laundry shop!)
On the gate of a house in Tarlac - COLD ICED BUKO 4 SALE
Posted outside a beauty shop in Laguna - WE ALSO DO FULL BODY MESSAGE
In Tiaong, Quezon - ROAN'S CONTRACTION SUPPLIES
Outside a shoe store in Pangasinan - WE SELL IMPORTED ROBBER SHOES
In a restaurant in Baguio - WANTED: BOY WAITRESS
Joke joke nasad
Nanaginip ako. Naghari daw ang mga MAGAGANDA at GWAPO sa mundo. Inipon nila lahat ng mga pangit sa isang chamber at SINUNOG... I was trying to save you... I'M SORRY!!!
Pag dumating ang araw na kukunin ni LORD lahat ng CUTE sa mundo,
DYOS KO!!!...magtatago talaga ako!
How would you know if a person is cute?
1st-he/she has a poor memory;
2nd : uhmmmmm, i forgot na eh!
If they say GOOD LOOKS could kill, then please don't look at
me!....I don't wanna see you DIE!!!
As a friend, I guess I may tell u that you are pretty... pretty ugly.
But that's ok you're funny naman eh... funny looking!
Don't worry may may cute sayo... ANG FRIEND MO!!!
Q: What did Satan say when you were born?
A: "Oh shit!!! It's my replacement!!!
Q: Eh ano naman nung ako yung pinanganak?
A: "Oh shit!!! It's another angel!!!
ETO PAH!!!!
Kasi baka isipin nyo, masyado akong conceited.... Hindi naman.... Medyo-medyo lang... So here are some more jokes... Pero this time, it's not about YOU and MEEH....iba naman....
Tindera: Noy, palit ka ug gatas sa baka? Barato ra tag P10 ang baso.
Manoy: ah! mahala ana uy... way tag piso diha?
Tindera: Naa man, pero ikaw TOTOY sa baka..
Ahente sa ELECTROLUX.. toktok balay, nisulod dayon ug gisabwag sa salog ang tae sa kabayo.
Ahente: Mrs, kun di ni malimpyo sa akong Vacuum cleaner kining tae, ako ni kan-on!
Mrs: Hala, kan-a jud na kay brownout raba!
Pari: Haskang buanga, gigukod ko ug babae na gahubo, sus! Midagan ko ug mitago! Ikaw Bishop, kung gukdon ka ug babae nga gahubo mag unsa manka?
Bishop: Aw.. pareha nimo MAMAKAK!
3 ka buang sa mental nagsturya:
Buang 1: Ako ang presidente diri
Buang 2: Aw wala ra ka nako, ako jud si Bush ang presidente sa Amerika!
Buang 1: Kinsa nag ingon beh?
Buang 2: Ang Ginoo!
Buang 3: Ha? Kanus-a man tika gi-ingnan?!
Pasyente: Doc, magpaibot ko ug ngipon,
Ilisan nako ug ngipon sa kanding...
Doktor: Ngano man?
Pasyente: Mahal naman gud ang bugas, sagbot na lang akong kan-on!
Driver: Noy iatras nako ang jeep, ingna ko palihug kung mabangga na.
Manoy: Ok! Cge atras! Atras pa! Cge Pa! Atras gyud! Kana... Bangga na!
Boys and girls
Para sa mga lalaki....
1. kamong mga laki, kung mo tan-aw gani ang
mga babae sa inyo, ayaw pod pag feeling2x nga
naka angay mi nimu? maka turn off na sha...
2. kung mag ask gani mo date, ayaw kayu mo
ngisi nga mura nag maniac tan-awon kay
mahadlok pod baya mi...
3. kung mo sabay gani mo sa amo, pag sinina pod
mog tarong dili nang murag tambay... para mo
samot mig ka in lab ninyo bah... pamulbos gamay,
pangkolon gamay... panudlay gamay...
4. kung manguyab na gani mo, ayaw ug sulti
nga "pwede ko manguyab nimo? or naa koy
chance?" kay kung tubagon namo na, mura nag
gisugot mo namo...
5. kung sugton na gani mo namo, taronga pod mi
oi... dili kay biyaan na lang, usahay himuon pang
sulugoon... maid inyong gipangita?
6. do not forget to remind us that you love us...
para kiligon sad mi panagsa...
7. ayaw mog pangita ug lain kay wa nay lami!
8. kung makigbulag na gani mo, ayaw ninyo ingna
ang girl nga "you're just nothing to me now,
understand!" hehehe... sakit baya nah....
9.ayaw pud ninyo hulata nga kami mouna ug
pansin ninyo if ever magkita ta somewhere mao ra
to... walay masuko ha.... :)
Para sa mga babae....
1. Kung muingon mi nga gwapa ka, ayaw dayon
tubag ug "atik!"...Panagsa ra mi mu dayg ug
gwapa...obyusleh, kung gitawag ka nga "gwapa"
naa jud mi enteres nimo...kinsa man sad kuno ang
tarong nga laki tawagon kang "bati'g nawng!"
atubangan sa kadaghanan...Di kaha mi katilaw ug
plying kick ana?
2. Mangutana gani mi kung kanus-a imong RD(rest
day) ug kung abelabol ba ka ana, kana
nagpasabot kung pwede ba ka ma detdet (DATE
ba sa ininggles)...ayaw sa mi baraha kay
magutana lagi mi nimu ug strait...amo lang
gityming-tyming kay mauwawon man sab tawn mi
mga kwanggolon...
3. Kung nakabantay na ka nga nagsige na mi ug
sunod-sunod nimo, maka-baynte na mi ug grit
nimo gud morning, or ikaw na lang pirmi tagdon,
makig dungan ug uli bisan nort ug sawt, langit ug
lupa ang gilay-on sa atong balay wid
matching "Ako lang dala sa imo tings beh!", kana
ganahan jud mi nimo... Pero sa pirmi natong
kinuyog ug detdet (DATE sa ininggles pa), ayaw
sad pangutana ug dali-dali "Wat r we?" or sa
binisaya pa, "Unsa man jud diay ta?"...Inahak,
makulbaan sad mi gamay...we also feel a bit
presyur... Kalma lang gud...musulti lagi mi in dyu
taym. =)
4. Kung kahibaw na jud ka nga ganahan mi nimo
kay nisulti na man jud mi (hala ka!) Ayaw sad sige
hisgot sa imo Ex-boypren oi...its hurt man
sad...not unlis kung nisturya ka sa panahong
gigukod siya sa inyong IRO nga nisutoy siya ug
dagan kay por syur I will lap wid u.
5. Hangyo lang sad, kung nakakita ka sa imong
crush o di ba kaha nakakita ka ug laki nga purting
gwapoha, ayaw sad panguhit namo, "Gwapo kay
siya noh?" Hala plis! Laki intawn mi ug dili pud mi
kiligon sa imong crush... Masuko ra ba mo mu
comentaryo mi, "Gwapo pa man akong lolo ana!"
6. Sa panahon nga mag-date na tah, por syur kami
man jud gasto, be konsyus wid yor dayet ha para
konsyus pud mi sa among bulsa...kung kada
adlaw na ta date ug nakabantay mo nga chippy ug
tubig na lang among gi-order, KKB na ta
ha...salamat sa pagsabot.
7. But op cors labaw sa tanan, ayaw kaayo ni
ninyo siryusuha kay basin mu comantaryo mo,
mapikon mo ug ibalik ni ninyo nako, mamisti
mo....Dyok dyok ra ni...
8. Pero kung dili na jud madala kay naglagot jud
mo mga babaye ani...Ipabasa ni sa tanang babaye
nga kaila ninyo nga wala pa makabasa.... Pag
porma dayon mo ug grupo nga Gabriella (lugar
ninyo) chapter....
9. Sa mga lalake, kalingawi ninyo ug porward ni
ako blogsite pero ayaw sa inyong naibgan kay basin
instant basted niya mo ana!
Pahabol: Kung magpakuyog mo mirkado...ayaw
pud mi paalsaha ug usa ka sakong bugas... Kilo-
kiloha pud na.... =)
Ang mahiwagang laway
Si Ahmed ay isang high-ranking official sa korte ni Haring Akbar. Matagal nang pinakamimithi ni Ahmed na pagsawaang madede ang malulusog na dibdib ng Reyna. Tuwing mapapadaan si Ahmed sa harapan ng Reyna ay gayon na lamang ang pagkasiphayo ng kanyang kalooban.
Isang araw, ipinagtapat ni Ahmed ang kinikimkim niyang pagnanasa sa pangunahing tagapayo ng Hari, si Birbal. Umiiyak na nagmakaawa si Ahmed kay Birbal upang tulungan siya sa kanyang suliranin. Pinag-isipan ni Birbal ang bagay na iyon, at pumayag siyang tulungan si Ahmed sa kondisyon na kapag natupad ang ninanasa ni Ahmed ay babayaran siya ni Ahmed ng 1,000 gintong kuwalta.
Agad na sumang-ayon si Ahmed. Humingi si Birbal kay Ahmed ng kalahating tasang laway nito. Isinangkap ni Birbal ang laway ni Ahmed sa mahiwagang losyon. Kinabukasan, habang naliligo ang Reyna, ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa bra nito. Matapos isuot ng Reyna ang bra ay nagsimulang mangati ang mga suso nito. Habang nagtatagal ay lalong sumisidhi ang pangangati ng boobs ng Reyna, kaya ganoon na lamang ang pag-aalala ng Hari.
Hindi makatulog ang Reyna dahil sa pangangati ng kanyang boobs, at syempre pa ay bwisit na bwisit ito. Kung sinu-sino ang kinunsulta ng Hari, kabilang si Birbal, at nagkaisa sila na ang makagagamot sa karamdaman ng Reyna ay isang espesyal na laway na kailangang ilagay sa loob ng apat na oras.
Isiniwalat ni Birbal na ang espesyal na laway ay matatagpuan sa bibig ni Ahmed. Ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed, at inatasan itong dedehin nang apat na oras ang dibdib ng Reyna. Apat na oras na singkad na nagpapasasa si Ahmed sa suso ng Reyna na mistulang asong ulol. Dinilaan niya iyon, kinagat, pinisil-pisil, nilamas, nilamutak. Nakamit ni Ahmed ang matagal na niyang hinahangad.
Pagkalipas ng apat na oras ay masayang-masaya si Ahmed. Nang magtagpo sila ni Birbal at sinisingil siya nito, tumangging magbayad si Ahmed at ipinagtabuyan niya si Birbal. Alam ni Ahmed na hindi makapagsusumbong si Birbal kay Haring Akbar. Minaliit ni Ahmed ang talino ni Birbal.
Kinabukasan, ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa underwear ni Haring Akbar. Muling ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed..............................
Tuloy ko pa ba ang kuwento? . . . . . . . . . . . .
Saka na, work ka na muna. Hehehe.
Recruitment bloopers
What do you know about the call center Industry?
Applicant: The call ctr. industry is booming out, side by side, somewhere else. (Huuuwhaaat?)
Applicant: The call center is a booming industry for the past few days and I want to become part of that boom! (sumabog ka sana!)
Applicant: It's easy to be a call center, just looks arounds you, that why i want to become a call center!
Out of nowhere:
Applicant: Oh im sorry, i sit corrected.
Applicant: Im afraid to dead. I feel that im not ready to die.
Applicant: I usually play PS2 at night when there is no loud.
Applicant: I'm a work alcoholic.
Applicant: I'm the eldest and the only child in our family. (arrrgggghhh...)
Applicant: I'm a hardworking...(yes..please continue...)
Recruiter: Why do you want to work in a call center?
Applicant: From Manila Bulletin.
Recruiter: Ah okay, but my question is, why do you want to work here?
Applicant: Well, I graduated from CEU with a course of blahblah..... (out...out...out....)
Recruiter: You look familiar. I think i already spoke to you before? Do you remember when you were last here?
Applicant: I think months from now. (psychic!)
Proud to be Pinoy
QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....
(Applause!.... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive.
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....
(Applause!..Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down after every performance.
(Applause!..Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Let's get religious
MAN : "Dear God, what is a million years to you?"
GOD : "Like a second!"
MAN : "What about a million pesos?"
GOD : "Like a centavo!"
MAN : "So, can I have a centavo?"
GOD : "Okay, wait a second!"
Lyka was preparing pancake (puto-kawali) for her sons, Bert, 5, and Lloyd, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Lyka saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said to them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait." Bert turned to his younger brother and said, "Lloyd, you be Jesus!"
Sylvia, is a six-year-old girl. Dad and Mom invited some people to dinner. At the table, her Mom turned to her.
MOM : "Would you like to do the blessing?"
SYLVIA : "I would not know what to say!"
MOM : "Just say what you hear Mommy say."
Sylvia bowed her heard and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"
Leny, a 5-year old girl, was also overheard praying in church: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name, Amen!"
Boboy, a 6-year old boy, was overhard praying in church: "Lord, if you cannot make me a better boy, do not worry about it. I am having a real good time like I am!"
PILOTO SA TOWER : "Wala na kaming fuel, 500 kilometro pa kami from shore. Give your instructions, over!"
TOWER : "Repeat after me. Our Father, Who Art in Heaven...."
Mayroong isang pulubi na nagdarasal sa harap ng altar ng simbahan.
PULUBI : "Diyos ko! Bigyan po ninyo ako ng pera kahit na sampung piso. Isang buwan na po akong hindi nakakain ng tama. Papulot-pulot po ako ng tira sa basurahan!"
Habang dinarasal niya ito, may isang pulis na nadarasal din sa tabi niya at narinig siya. Naawa ang pulis sa pulubi at dumukot ito sa bulsa niya ng limang piso. Dahan-dahan itong lumapit sa pulubi para i-abot. Maingat niyang inilapag ang limang piso sa nakadipang kamay ng pulubi. Ngunit napansin ito ng pulubi at nagdasal muli.
"O, Diyos ko! Sa susunod po kung maaari, kung magbibigay kayo, huwag na sanang padaanin pa sa pulis, kasi po, BINABAWASAN!"
Attending a wedding for the first time, Tessie, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Mom, why is the bride dressed in white?" Her mother replies, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life!" Tessie thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" (He, he, he, very good question, hindi nakasagot ang Mommy niya!)
CONFUCIUS SAYS:
Before you criticize anyone, walk a mile in his shoes. This way, if he gets mad, you are a mile away, and you have his shoes too.
NUN : Mother superior, I’ve been raped by 5 men!
SISTER : Dios mio! Eat this CALAMANSI fruit!
NUN : Will this help me calm down?
SISTER : Gaga! Amaw para ma wala nang imong katawa sa nawong!
3 nuns talking…
1ST NUN : I saw a box of condom at father’s room
2ND NUN : Don’t wori, I put a hole on each condom so it wont be effective
3RD NUN : collapsed
SINNER : Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I'm sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my cellphone.
PRIEST : My child ... can we be textmates?
Lumulubog ang barko...
PARI : San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
MADRE : Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta.Lucia!...
INTSIK : Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!!
MAN: "Padre, ako po ay nagnakaw ng mga sapatos na Reebok at Nike."
PADRE: "Shhh... may size 7 ba?"
CONVICT: Father forgive me for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
CONVICT: Father, pinapatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo ba naniniwala sa kanya?
PRIEST: Sino yon?
Eh kase Chinese
SINO ANG UNANG TAO SA MUNDO?
Sabi ng mga HUDYO, "kami".
Bakit? Dahil kami ang nagpako sa Diyos.
Sabi ng mga INTSIK, "kami".
Bakit? Kanino kayo bili pako?
Pulis: "Bayad ko sa kape, o!"
Intsik: "Aba, bakit ka bayad?"
Pulis: "Utos ni Chief, wala ng kotong mula ngayon!
Intsik: "Aba, sige, mula ngayon, hindi na ako dura sa kape mo!"
Old chinese man in his death bed:
"Akyen junior dito ka ba?"
"Dito po ako!"
"Akyen panganay, dito ka ba?"
"Dito po ako!"
"Akyen daughter, dito ka ba?"
"Dito po ako!"
"Akyen asawa, dito ka ba?"
"Dito ako!"
"Walahiya, kayo! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao sa tindahan!"
Learn chinese:
1.Please stay awhile longer- Wai Go Nao?
2.Our meeting is next week- Wai yu kam Nao?
3.You don't smell good- Go Ah Wei!
A CHINESE STORY:
Ako swelte. Date ako chick sa motel .
Paklabas ko, kita ko akyen Misis may kasama lalaki. Sila check-in. Ako tago. Di ako huli. Swelte talaga.
Ngongo dictionary:
"Cattle" - dun nakatira ang "printeta" at "printipe".
"Melt" - yun ang sinusuot sa "mewang".
"Effort" - dun nag-la-lang ang "efflane".
"Statue" - meaning, "Is that you?" (ikaw ba yan?)
Lumapit ang labindalawang taong gulang na batang lalake sa kanyang lola at nagtanong.
BATA: "Yoya, batit ato buyoy?"
LOLA: "Kasi supot ka pa, Iho, kahit itanong mo sa nanay mo."
BATA: "Nanay, batit ako buyoy?"
INA: "Kasi supot ka pa, kahit itanong mo sa tatay mo."
Lapit ang bata sa tatay at nagtanong ulit.
BATA: "Tatay, batit ato buyoy?"
Nagbuntong-hininga ang tatay bago sumagot, "Kati tupot ka pa."
Anak: "Tays, kakains nas tayos!"
Tatay: "Hoy, tigilan mo yang kalalagay ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Teka, ano ba ang ulam natin?"
Anak: "Bangu na may kamati", at "Ardina na may ibuya!"
Bisaya Jokes (Part 1)
GIRL 1 : Peste! Ikiha jud tu naku ako boss kay gihagkan ako buhok!
GIRL 2 : Buhok ra man kaha nganu imo paman ikiha?
GIRL 1 : Haleeerr! Unano baya tu akong boss!
In 1994 USC Nursing students distributed condoms to Ugoy residents in the Mountain of Minglanilla for birth control..
Yesterday lang, nisulat ang usa nako... ”Pwede naba ni tangtangon!?’ Unsa man pwede na?
Manag uyab nag rubo sa sinehan…
BF : Hala dear ang akong class ring nahibilin sa sud!
GF : Ha? Kuotag balik
....after 30 mins
GF : Nakuha na?
BF : Oo pero, nganu ECE mani nga nursing man ko!
In the court…
ABOGADA : (holding the thingy of a 70yr old client) Look your honor uh, Luyat na kayo! Kaya pa ba niya mang rape?
OLD MAN : (whispering) Ayaw lang pislit-pislita mam basin mapildi tah!
ANAK : Daddy, ngano sige man ga-agulo si mommy kada gabie?
DADDY : Wala lang nak happy lang siya..
ANAK : Mao bah? Imo buot pasabot kada gabie sya happy bisag katong naa paka SAUDI?
Ang mga bogo…
BOGO 1 : Pre, 2+2 kuno beh?
BOGO 2 : Kana lang? Eh di 5!
BOGO 1 : Bwahahahaaa! !
BOGO 2 : Ngano nikatawa man ka?
BOGO 1 : Wala lang abi nako wala ka kabalo!
Pa ngilngiggay gamit ug Samurai...
INDIAN : Waaah! Langaw patay!
HAPON : Wata! Langaw putol ulo!
PINOY : Wata! ( Langaw milupad ghapon)
HAPON : Oi! Ngano lupad man ghapon na?
PINOY : Aw patyon diay? Abi nako tuli-on lang!
Studyante nasakpan may kodigo...
TEACHER : Unsa ni?
STUDENT : Prayer nako mam!
TEACHER : Unya nganong answers man ang nakasulat?
STUDENT : Hala! Gitubag ang akong prayer mam!
JUAN : Kamusta exam bai?
PEDRO : Pangit, wa koy naanseran! Blank paper ra akong gisubmit!
JUAN : Na, ako pud blank paper, unsaon na ni? Dili kaha ta masakpan ani abi nalang nila nagkinopyahay ta!
SON : Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
TATAY : Ha! Ngano man?
SON : Ako man gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
TATAY : ‘tong anak ko, liwat jud nako dah! He,he,he nya lami bah?
SON : O tay, gwapo kayo siya!
Tungang gabie, hot kayo si misis, hawop2 nya ilong ni mister, gi gitik ang li-og, dala pamarayeg nga hung2 sa dungan...
MISIS : “Love wala na koy panty.”
MISTER : “Ha? Cge lang, tulog na diha kay ugma palitan tika!”
Pedro bumps a foreigner...
PEDRO : Ay sorry.
FOREIGNER : Sorry 2.
PEDRO : Sorry 3!
FOREIGNER : What are you sorry 4?
PEDRO : Sori 5!
FOREIGNER : I think you are sick!
PEDRO : Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!
GUY : Atty, gusto ko mag ilis ug name.
ATTY : Ngano man? Unsa diay name nimo?
GUY : Jograd Putig-tae
ATTY : Bitaw bati-a jud, unsa gusto nimo name iilis?
GUY : Caloy Putig-tae (bwahaaaha)
MAMA : Anak dili ka manguyab sa mga dalaga ning baryoha ha kay puro imong paryente.
ANAK : O ma!
MAMA : O ngano tutok man ka sa baka?
ANAK : Mama sad oy hasta baka akong paryente?
MISS : Mao to ako mga sala padre, hinaut pasayloon ko sa Ginoo
PARI : Ayaw kaguol anak, gipasaylo kana. Pero istoryahi ko usab bahin adtong blowjob ug 69!
TITSER : Juan, use DOES in a sentence….
JUAN : Maam, the carabao doesmag the tree!
TITSER : What? What?
JUAN : Matabang nimo ug “huwat” nga nadasmag na!
CUSTOMER : Waiter! Kadugay gud sa akong order, pila man diay ang cook ninyo dire?
WAITER : Ay sir wala man mi coke dinhi, pipsi lang! Pipsi!
ASAWA : Buang ka! Bayot ka man diay! Diha na ka!
BANA : Love, asa man ka?
ASAWA : Mulakaw ko! Mangita ko’g laki!
BANA : Duhaa lab ha, tagsa ta!
JUAN : Isaag ra gud ning iring, ilabay sa layo
PEDRO : Oki!
JUAN : O, ngano na gab-hian man ka lagi?
PEDRO : Litseng iringa na! Kung wala ko nisunod sa iyaha di ko kauli! Bweset!
PARE 1 : Ganiha rako tuyok2 waman jud nangagda kaon, fiesta man unta, mayka diha Nangikki naka!
PARE 2 : Na pre, ug wapa nako daginuta akong kiki nakuyapan nako!
MAM : Kung wala naka’y usa ka dungan, ma unsa man ka?
BATA : Mu hinay akong pag dungog!
MAM : Kung duha ka dungan?
BATA : Ma buta ko!
MAM : Ha! Ngano man?
BATA : Matagak man akong eyeglasses!
A ship sank..2 sailors adrift..
SAILOR 1 : Lord, palahubog mi, mga sugarol, botakal nya daghan mi mga kabit. If you save us Lord we promise to ..
SAILOR 2 : Taymsa! Ayaw sa promise naa ko nakit-an na island!
Parrot shouted to three nuns passing by, “ Blue, black, red” the nuns were amazed because those were the colors of their panties.
The second day the parrot shouted..” Yellow, white, green” Parrot got the correct colors of their panties yet again!
On the third day, the nuns decided not to put on panties..The parrot got confused but quickly recovered and yelled, “
KULOT, UBANON, OPAW!
2 ka amiga hubog sa bar. Paguli, niagi sa cemetery. Nangalibang ang duha. Ang usa gigamit ang panty para itrapo ug gilabay; ug ang usa, nakakitag wreth sa lubong ug maoy gitrapo.
Pagkabuntag, ang ilang bana nagkita…
BITOY : Pre, bantayan nato ang atong mga misis, ang ako nipauli kagabii wa nay panty.
BERTING : Ang ako mas grabe pre dunay card nipilit sa iyang lobot nga nag-ingon, “well never forget you, from all the guys at the Fire Dept.!”
Pag AMERIKANO umutot...EXCUSE ME!
Pag BRITISH : PARDON ME!
Pag ESPAÑOL : EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAN!
Pag PINOY : BUYAG! Dili ako! Mamatay unta ang nangutot!!
Women's prayer at the age of ...
21 - Give me a best man..
25 - Give me a good man.
30 - Give me a man.
40 - Lord, asa naman?
50 - Wa pa man?
60 - Ngano man?
70 - HUROT naman!
Nagsulat si Dako sa iya Tatay...
Dear Tatay,
Padad-e me ug usa ka kilong bugas ug usa ka dosenang itlog.
Imong anak,
Dako
Si Dako nigawas, unya ning sulod si Gamay! Nagisi ni Gamay ang sulat, gi tape na lang ni Gamay ug tape! Gisugo ni Dako si Gamay ug pa mail sa sulat! Pagbasa sa ilang Tatay..
Dear bugas, padad-e me ug usa ka kilong Tatay! Ug usa
ka dosenang anak. Imong itlog dako!
Dear Dodong,
Sa sunod bah, Carnation Non-fat Milk lang ang ipadala kay nagkalibanga imong Tatay sa Nivea Moisturizing Milk.
Daghang Salamat..
Nanay