Ransom

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.


Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.


Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend Bobby


Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.


Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.


Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,

Bobby


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

Huwag Po Itay!

Nais kong ibahagi sa inyo ang namagitan sa amin ng aking itay isang gabi. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang gabing iyon. Malakas ang ulan noon nguni't maalinsangan ang simoy ng hangin.

Ako ay nagsusuklay sa aking silid, katatapos ko pa lamang maligo at nakatapis pa lamang noon . Narinig kong kumakatok si Itay sa aking pinto. Nang sagutin ko ang pagkatok niya ay sinabi niya na kailangan daw naming mag-usap at humiling na papasukin siya. Binuksan ko ang pinto at siya'y kagyat na pumasok sa aking silid.

Laking pagkagulat ko nang ipinid niya at susian ang pinto. Hinawakan ni Itay ang aking mga kamay, hinaplos-haplos niya ang aking buhok, ang aking mukha, pinaraan niya ang kanyang mga daliri sa aking kilay, sa aking mga pisngi,sa aking mga labi. Napasigaw ako.

"ITAY, huwag, huwag! Ako'y inyong anak! Utang na loob, Itay!" Nguni't parang walang narinig ang aking Itay. Ipinagpatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa. Ipinikit ko na lamang ang aking mga mata dahil ayaw kong makita ang mukha ng aking ama habang ipinagpapatuloy niya ang kanyang ginagawa sa akin.

Naririnig ko si Inay sumisigaw habang binabayo ang pinto at nagpipilit na ito'y buksan, "Hayop ka! hayop ka! Huwag mong gawin iyan sa anak mo! Huwag mong sirain ang kanyang kinabukasan".

Subalit wala ring nagawa si Inay, hindi rin siya pinakinggan ni Itay. Nanatili na lamang akong walang katinag-tinag at ipinaubaya ko na lamang ang aking sarili sa anumang gustong gawin ng aking Itay.

Pagkalipas ng ilang oras ay tumigil na rin ang aking Itay. Iniharap niya ako sa salamin ay ganoon na lamang ang aking pagkamangha at pagkagulat sa aking nakita. Magaling naman palang mag-make-up si Itay.

Nang gabing iyon ay nagtapat sa akin ang aking ama. Bakla pala siya. Labis akong nagalak sa galing at husay ng aking ama. Naisip ko na matutuwa ang aking boyfriend dahil lalo akong gumanda ngayon. Niyakap ko si Itay at pareho kaming napaluha sa labis na kagalakan. Masaya na kami ngayon at nabubuhay nang matiwasay.


Lovingly yours,

BADONG


Please scroll down to see pictures.

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To your think

The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog. Pls read with feelings...

********************

October 1996

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.

And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Marie Chan?

Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are
a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING.

















You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.

I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.

P.S.
You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me.

Pinoy odd signs and quotes

Posted outside a house in Jaro, Iloilo - HOUSE FOR RENT, FULLY FURNACED (Boy, it must be hot in there.)

On a glass window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan - WE SHOOT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT

Posted at a construction site in Mandaluyong - BAWAL OMEHI DITO, ANG MAHOLI, BOG-BOG !

On the fence of a makeshift parking lot in Pasay - PARKING PEE: P10

Printed on a streamer in front of a gym in Lucena City - We Almost Have Complete Set of Gym Equipments (Now, how's that for truth in advertising?)

In a supermarket in Baguio - FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE

Outside a flower shop along Avenida Rizal - WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS

In a bowling center in Congressional - PARKING FOR COSTUMERS ONLY

In a restaurant in Cebu - WE HAB SOP-DRINK IN CAN AN IN BATOL

On the glass wall of an eatery in Panay Avenue near National Bookstore (but this was a long time ago) - WANTED: WAITER, CASHIER, WASHIER

In San Andres, Manila - NO URINATING ON THE OVER WALLS.

In a classified ads section - WANTED SALESLADY, 20-25 YEARS OLD, PROBABLY SINGLE

Outside a sari-sari store in front of the gate of Green Valley in Baguio -NO CRIDET

In a building in Cubao - NONE ID, NOTHING ENTRY

Outside a videoke bar in Pampanga - WANTED FEMALE LADY SINGER

Along a highway in Pampanga - WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE

The name of a laundry shop in Bo. Kapitolyo in Pasig - CINAVON (hey, i once used this laundry shop!)

On the gate of a house in Tarlac - COLD ICED BUKO 4 SALE

Posted outside a beauty shop in Laguna - WE ALSO DO FULL BODY MESSAGE

In Tiaong, Quezon - ROAN'S CONTRACTION SUPPLIES

Outside a shoe store in Pangasinan - WE SELL IMPORTED ROBBER SHOES

In a restaurant in Baguio - WANTED: BOY WAITRESS

Joke joke nasad

Nanaginip ako. Naghari daw ang mga MAGAGANDA at GWAPO sa mundo. Inipon nila lahat ng mga pangit sa isang chamber at SINUNOG... I was trying to save you... I'M SORRY!!!

Pag dumating ang araw na kukunin ni LORD lahat ng CUTE sa mundo,
DYOS KO!!!...magtatago talaga ako!

How would you know if a person is cute?
1st-he/she has a poor memory;
2nd : uhmmmmm, i forgot na eh!

If they say GOOD LOOKS could kill, then please don't look at
me!....I don't wanna see you DIE!!!

As a friend, I guess I may tell u that you are pretty... pretty ugly.
But that's ok you're funny naman eh... funny looking!
Don't worry may may cute sayo... ANG FRIEND MO!!!

Q: What did Satan say when you were born?
A: "Oh shit!!! It's my replacement!!!
Q: Eh ano naman nung ako yung pinanganak?
A: "Oh shit!!! It's another angel!!!

ETO PAH!!!!
Kasi baka isipin nyo, masyado akong conceited.... Hindi naman.... Medyo-medyo lang... So here are some more jokes... Pero this time, it's not about YOU and MEEH....iba naman....

Tindera: Noy, palit ka ug gatas sa baka? Barato ra tag P10 ang baso.
Manoy: ah! mahala ana uy... way tag piso diha?
Tindera: Naa man, pero ikaw TOTOY sa baka..

Ahente sa ELECTROLUX.. toktok balay, nisulod dayon ug gisabwag sa salog ang tae sa kabayo.
Ahente: Mrs, kun di ni malimpyo sa akong Vacuum cleaner kining tae, ako ni kan-on!
Mrs: Hala, kan-a jud na kay brownout raba!

Pari: Haskang buanga, gigukod ko ug babae na gahubo, sus! Midagan ko ug mitago! Ikaw Bishop, kung gukdon ka ug babae nga gahubo mag unsa manka?
Bishop: Aw.. pareha nimo MAMAKAK!

3 ka buang sa mental nagsturya:
Buang 1: Ako ang presidente diri
Buang 2: Aw wala ra ka nako, ako jud si Bush ang presidente sa Amerika!
Buang 1: Kinsa nag ingon beh?
Buang 2: Ang Ginoo!
Buang 3: Ha? Kanus-a man tika gi-ingnan?!

Pasyente: Doc, magpaibot ko ug ngipon,
Ilisan nako ug ngipon sa kanding...
Doktor: Ngano man?
Pasyente: Mahal naman gud ang bugas, sagbot na lang akong kan-on!

Driver: Noy iatras nako ang jeep, ingna ko palihug kung mabangga na.
Manoy: Ok! Cge atras! Atras pa! Cge Pa! Atras gyud! Kana... Bangga na!

Boys and girls

Para sa mga lalaki....
















1. kamong mga laki, kung mo tan-aw gani ang
mga babae sa inyo, ayaw pod pag feeling2x nga
naka angay mi nimu? maka turn off na sha...

2. kung mag ask gani mo date, ayaw kayu mo
ngisi nga mura nag maniac tan-awon kay
mahadlok pod baya mi...

3. kung mo sabay gani mo sa amo, pag sinina pod
mog tarong dili nang murag tambay... para mo
samot mig ka in lab ninyo bah... pamulbos gamay,
pangkolon gamay... panudlay gamay...

4. kung manguyab na gani mo, ayaw ug sulti
nga "pwede ko manguyab nimo? or naa koy
chance?" kay kung tubagon namo na, mura nag
gisugot mo namo...

5. kung sugton na gani mo namo, taronga pod mi
oi... dili kay biyaan na lang, usahay himuon pang
sulugoon... maid inyong gipangita?

6. do not forget to remind us that you love us...
para kiligon sad mi panagsa...

7. ayaw mog pangita ug lain kay wa nay lami!

8. kung makigbulag na gani mo, ayaw ninyo ingna
ang girl nga "you're just nothing to me now,
understand!" hehehe... sakit baya nah....

9.ayaw pud ninyo hulata nga kami mouna ug
pansin ninyo if ever magkita ta somewhere mao ra
to... walay masuko ha.... :)


Para sa mga babae....












1. Kung muingon mi nga gwapa ka, ayaw dayon
tubag ug "atik!"...Panagsa ra mi mu dayg ug
gwapa...obyusleh, kung gitawag ka nga "gwapa"
naa jud mi enteres nimo...kinsa man sad kuno ang
tarong nga laki tawagon kang "bati'g nawng!"
atubangan sa kadaghanan...Di kaha mi katilaw ug
plying kick ana?

2. Mangutana gani mi kung kanus-a imong RD(rest
day) ug kung abelabol ba ka ana, kana
nagpasabot kung pwede ba ka ma detdet (DATE
ba sa ininggles)...ayaw sa mi baraha kay
magutana lagi mi nimu ug strait...amo lang
gityming-tyming kay mauwawon man sab tawn mi
mga kwanggolon...

3. Kung nakabantay na ka nga nagsige na mi ug
sunod-sunod nimo, maka-baynte na mi ug grit
nimo gud morning, or ikaw na lang pirmi tagdon,
makig dungan ug uli bisan nort ug sawt, langit ug
lupa ang gilay-on sa atong balay wid
matching "Ako lang dala sa imo tings beh!", kana
ganahan jud mi nimo... Pero sa pirmi natong
kinuyog ug detdet (DATE sa ininggles pa), ayaw
sad pangutana ug dali-dali "Wat r we?" or sa
binisaya pa, "Unsa man jud diay ta?"...Inahak,
makulbaan sad mi gamay...we also feel a bit
presyur... Kalma lang gud...musulti lagi mi in dyu
taym. =)

4. Kung kahibaw na jud ka nga ganahan mi nimo
kay nisulti na man jud mi (hala ka!) Ayaw sad sige
hisgot sa imo Ex-boypren oi...its hurt man
sad...not unlis kung nisturya ka sa panahong
gigukod siya sa inyong IRO nga nisutoy siya ug
dagan kay por syur I will lap wid u.


5. Hangyo lang sad, kung nakakita ka sa imong
crush o di ba kaha nakakita ka ug laki nga purting
gwapoha, ayaw sad panguhit namo, "Gwapo kay
siya noh?" Hala plis! Laki intawn mi ug dili pud mi
kiligon sa imong crush... Masuko ra ba mo mu
comentaryo mi, "Gwapo pa man akong lolo ana!"

6. Sa panahon nga mag-date na tah, por syur kami
man jud gasto, be konsyus wid yor dayet ha para
konsyus pud mi sa among bulsa...kung kada
adlaw na ta date ug nakabantay mo nga chippy ug
tubig na lang among gi-order, KKB na ta
ha...salamat sa pagsabot.

7. But op cors labaw sa tanan, ayaw kaayo ni
ninyo siryusuha kay basin mu comantaryo mo,
mapikon mo ug ibalik ni ninyo nako, mamisti
mo....Dyok dyok ra ni...

8. Pero kung dili na jud madala kay naglagot jud
mo mga babaye ani...Ipabasa ni sa tanang babaye
nga kaila ninyo nga wala pa makabasa.... Pag
porma dayon mo ug grupo nga Gabriella (lugar
ninyo) chapter....

9. Sa mga lalake, kalingawi ninyo ug porward ni
ako blogsite pero ayaw sa inyong naibgan kay basin
instant basted niya mo ana!

Pahabol: Kung magpakuyog mo mirkado...ayaw
pud mi paalsaha ug usa ka sakong bugas... Kilo-
kiloha pud na.... =)

Ang mahiwagang laway

Si Ahmed ay isang high-ranking official sa korte ni Haring Akbar. Matagal nang pinakamimithi ni Ahmed na pagsawaang madede ang malulusog na dibdib ng Reyna. Tuwing mapapadaan si Ahmed sa harapan ng Reyna ay gayon na lamang ang pagkasiphayo ng kanyang kalooban.

Isang araw, ipinagtapat ni Ahmed ang kinikimkim niyang pagnanasa sa pangunahing tagapayo ng Hari, si Birbal. Umiiyak na nagmakaawa si Ahmed kay Birbal upang tulungan siya sa kanyang suliranin. Pinag-isipan ni Birbal ang bagay na iyon, at pumayag siyang tulungan si Ahmed sa kondisyon na kapag natupad ang ninanasa ni Ahmed ay babayaran siya ni Ahmed ng 1,000 gintong kuwalta.

Agad na sumang-ayon si Ahmed. Humingi si Birbal kay Ahmed ng kalahating tasang laway nito. Isinangkap ni Birbal ang laway ni Ahmed sa mahiwagang losyon. Kinabukasan, habang naliligo ang Reyna, ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa bra nito. Matapos isuot ng Reyna ang bra ay nagsimulang mangati ang mga suso nito. Habang nagtatagal ay lalong sumisidhi ang pangangati ng boobs ng Reyna, kaya ganoon na lamang ang pag-aalala ng Hari.

Hindi makatulog ang Reyna dahil sa pangangati ng kanyang boobs, at syempre pa ay bwisit na bwisit ito. Kung sinu-sino ang kinunsulta ng Hari, kabilang si Birbal, at nagkaisa sila na ang makagagamot sa karamdaman ng Reyna ay isang espesyal na laway na kailangang ilagay sa loob ng apat na oras.

Isiniwalat ni Birbal na ang espesyal na laway ay matatagpuan sa bibig ni Ahmed. Ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed, at inatasan itong dedehin nang apat na oras ang dibdib ng Reyna. Apat na oras na singkad na nagpapasasa si Ahmed sa suso ng Reyna na mistulang asong ulol. Dinilaan niya iyon, kinagat, pinisil-pisil, nilamas, nilamutak. Nakamit ni Ahmed ang matagal na niyang hinahangad.

Pagkalipas ng apat na oras ay masayang-masaya si Ahmed. Nang magtagpo sila ni Birbal at sinisingil siya nito, tumangging magbayad si Ahmed at ipinagtabuyan niya si Birbal. Alam ni Ahmed na hindi makapagsusumbong si Birbal kay Haring Akbar. Minaliit ni Ahmed ang talino ni Birbal.

Kinabukasan, ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa underwear ni Haring Akbar. Muling ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed..............................

Tuloy ko pa ba ang kuwento? . . . . . . . . . . . .

Saka na, work ka na muna. Hehehe.

Recruitment bloopers

What do you know about the call center Industry?

Applicant: The call ctr. industry is booming out, side by side, somewhere else. (Huuuwhaaat?)

Applicant: The call center is a booming industry for the past few days and I want to become part of that boom! (sumabog ka sana!)

Applicant: It's easy to be a call center, just looks arounds you, that why i want to become a call center!


Out of nowhere:

Applicant: Oh im sorry, i sit corrected.

Applicant: Im afraid to dead. I feel that im not ready to die.

Applicant: I usually play PS2 at night when there is no loud.

Applicant: I'm a work alcoholic.

Applicant: I'm the eldest and the only child in our family. (arrrgggghhh...)

Applicant: I'm a hardworking...(yes..please continue...)


Recruiter: Why do you want to work in a call center?

Applicant: From Manila Bulletin.

Recruiter: Ah okay, but my question is, why do you want to work here?

Applicant: Well, I graduated from CEU with a course of blahblah..... (out...out...out....)


Recruiter: You look familiar. I think i already spoke to you before? Do you remember when you were last here?

Applicant: I think months from now. (psychic!)

Proud to be Pinoy

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive.

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....

(Applause!... Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night....

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play....because it bows down after every performance.

(Applause!..Applause!)

QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, opcors, hihihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy...Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi...Kasi....I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Let's get religious

MAN : "Dear God, what is a million years to you?"
GOD : "Like a second!"
MAN : "What about a million pesos?"
GOD : "Like a centavo!"
MAN : "So, can I have a centavo?"
GOD : "Okay, wait a second!"

Lyka was preparing pancake (puto-kawali) for her sons, Bert, 5, and Lloyd, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Lyka saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said to them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait." Bert turned to his younger brother and said, "Lloyd, you be Jesus!"

Sylvia, is a six-year-old girl. Dad and Mom invited some people to dinner. At the table, her Mom turned to her.
MOM : "Would you like to do the blessing?"
SYLVIA : "I would not know what to say!"
MOM : "Just say what you hear Mommy say."
Sylvia bowed her heard and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"

Leny, a 5-year old girl, was also overheard praying in church: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name, Amen!"

Boboy, a 6-year old boy, was overhard praying in church: "Lord, if you cannot make me a better boy, do not worry about it. I am having a real good time like I am!"

PILOTO SA TOWER : "Wala na kaming fuel, 500 kilometro pa kami from shore. Give your instructions, over!"
TOWER : "Repeat after me. Our Father, Who Art in Heaven...."

Mayroong isang pulubi na nagdarasal sa harap ng altar ng simbahan.
PULUBI : "Diyos ko! Bigyan po ninyo ako ng pera kahit na sampung piso. Isang buwan na po akong hindi nakakain ng tama. Papulot-pulot po ako ng tira sa basurahan!"
Habang dinarasal niya ito, may isang pulis na nadarasal din sa tabi niya at narinig siya. Naawa ang pulis sa pulubi at dumukot ito sa bulsa niya ng limang piso. Dahan-dahan itong lumapit sa pulubi para i-abot. Maingat niyang inilapag ang limang piso sa nakadipang kamay ng pulubi. Ngunit napansin ito ng pulubi at nagdasal muli.
"O, Diyos ko! Sa susunod po kung maaari, kung magbibigay kayo, huwag na sanang padaanin pa sa pulis, kasi po, BINABAWASAN!"

Attending a wedding for the first time, Tessie, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Mom, why is the bride dressed in white?" Her mother replies, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life!" Tessie thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" (He, he, he, very good question, hindi nakasagot ang Mommy niya!)

CONFUCIUS SAYS:
Before you criticize anyone, walk a mile in his shoes. This way, if he gets mad, you are a mile away, and you have his shoes too.

NUN : Mother superior, I’ve been raped by 5 men!
SISTER : Dios mio! Eat this CALAMANSI fruit!
NUN : Will this help me calm down?
SISTER : Gaga! Amaw para ma wala nang imong katawa sa nawong!

3 nuns talking…
1ST NUN : I saw a box of condom at father’s room
2ND NUN : Don’t wori, I put a hole on each condom so it wont be effective
3RD NUN : collapsed

SINNER : Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I'm sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my cellphone.
PRIEST : My child ... can we be textmates?

Lumulubog ang barko...
PARI : San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
MADRE : Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta.Lucia!...
INTSIK : Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!!

MAN: "Padre, ako po ay nagnakaw ng mga sapatos na Reebok at Nike."
PADRE: "Shhh... may size 7 ba?"

CONVICT: Father forgive me for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
CONVICT: Father, pinapatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo ba naniniwala sa kanya?
PRIEST: Sino yon?

Eh kase Chinese

SINO ANG UNANG TAO SA MUNDO?
Sabi ng mga HUDYO, "kami".
Bakit? Dahil kami ang nagpako sa Diyos.
Sabi ng mga INTSIK, "kami".
Bakit? Kanino kayo bili pako?

Pulis: "Bayad ko sa kape, o!"
Intsik: "Aba, bakit ka bayad?"
Pulis: "Utos ni Chief, wala ng kotong mula ngayon!
Intsik: "Aba, sige, mula ngayon, hindi na ako dura sa kape mo!"

Old chinese man in his death bed:
"Akyen junior dito ka ba?"
"Dito po ako!"
"Akyen panganay, dito ka ba?"
"Dito po ako!"
"Akyen daughter, dito ka ba?"
"Dito po ako!"
"Akyen asawa, dito ka ba?"
"Dito ako!"
"Walahiya, kayo! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao sa tindahan!"

Learn chinese:
1.Please stay awhile longer- Wai Go Nao?
2.Our meeting is next week- Wai yu kam Nao?
3.You don't smell good- Go Ah Wei!




















A CHINESE STORY:
Ako swelte. Date ako chick sa motel .
Paklabas ko, kita ko akyen Misis may kasama lalaki. Sila check-in. Ako tago. Di ako huli. Swelte talaga.

Ngongo dictionary:
"Cattle" - dun nakatira ang "printeta" at "printipe".
"Melt" - yun ang sinusuot sa "mewang".
"Effort" - dun nag-la-lang ang "efflane".
"Statue" - meaning, "Is that you?" (ikaw ba yan?)

Lumapit ang labindalawang taong gulang na batang lalake sa kanyang lola at nagtanong.
BATA: "Yoya, batit ato buyoy?"
LOLA: "Kasi supot ka pa, Iho, kahit itanong mo sa nanay mo."
BATA: "Nanay, batit ako buyoy?"
INA: "Kasi supot ka pa, kahit itanong mo sa tatay mo."
Lapit ang bata sa tatay at nagtanong ulit.
BATA: "Tatay, batit ato buyoy?"
Nagbuntong-hininga ang tatay bago sumagot, "Kati tupot ka pa."

Anak: "Tays, kakains nas tayos!"
Tatay: "Hoy, tigilan mo yang kalalagay ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Teka, ano ba ang ulam natin?"
Anak: "Bangu na may kamati", at "Ardina na may ibuya!"

Bisaya Jokes (Part 1)

GIRL 1 : Peste! Ikiha jud tu naku ako boss kay gihagkan ako buhok!
GIRL 2 : Buhok ra man kaha nganu imo paman ikiha?
GIRL 1 : Haleeerr! Unano baya tu akong boss!

In 1994 USC Nursing students distributed condoms to Ugoy residents in the Mountain of Minglanilla for birth control..
Yesterday lang, nisulat ang usa nako... ”Pwede naba ni tangtangon!?’ Unsa man pwede na?

Manag uyab nag rubo sa sinehan…
BF : Hala dear ang akong class ring nahibilin sa sud!
GF : Ha? Kuotag balik
....after 30 mins
GF : Nakuha na?
BF : Oo pero, nganu ECE mani nga nursing man ko!

In the court…
ABOGADA : (holding the thingy of a 70yr old client) Look your honor uh, Luyat na kayo! Kaya pa ba niya mang rape?
OLD MAN : (whispering) Ayaw lang pislit-pislita mam basin mapildi tah!

ANAK : Daddy, ngano sige man ga-agulo si mommy kada gabie?
DADDY : Wala lang nak happy lang siya..
ANAK : Mao bah? Imo buot pasabot kada gabie sya happy bisag katong naa paka SAUDI?

Ang mga bogo…
BOGO 1 : Pre, 2+2 kuno beh?
BOGO 2 : Kana lang? Eh di 5!
BOGO 1 : Bwahahahaaa! !
BOGO 2 : Ngano nikatawa man ka?
BOGO 1 : Wala lang abi nako wala ka kabalo!

Pa ngilngiggay gamit ug Samurai...
INDIAN : Waaah! Langaw patay!
HAPON : Wata! Langaw putol ulo!
PINOY : Wata! ( Langaw milupad ghapon)
HAPON : Oi! Ngano lupad man ghapon na?
PINOY : Aw patyon diay? Abi nako tuli-on lang!

Studyante nasakpan may kodigo...
TEACHER : Unsa ni?
STUDENT : Prayer nako mam!
TEACHER : Unya nganong answers man ang nakasulat?
STUDENT : Hala! Gitubag ang akong prayer mam!

JUAN : Kamusta exam bai?
PEDRO : Pangit, wa koy naanseran! Blank paper ra akong gisubmit!
JUAN : Na, ako pud blank paper, unsaon na ni? Dili kaha ta masakpan ani abi nalang nila nagkinopyahay ta!

SON : Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
TATAY : Ha! Ngano man?
SON : Ako man gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
TATAY : ‘tong anak ko, liwat jud nako dah! He,he,he nya lami bah?
SON : O tay, gwapo kayo siya!

Tungang gabie, hot kayo si misis, hawop2 nya ilong ni mister, gi gitik ang li-og, dala pamarayeg nga hung2 sa dungan...
MISIS : “Love wala na koy panty.”
MISTER : “Ha? Cge lang, tulog na diha kay ugma palitan tika!”

Pedro bumps a foreigner...
PEDRO : Ay sorry.
FOREIGNER : Sorry 2.
PEDRO : Sorry 3!
FOREIGNER : What are you sorry 4?
PEDRO : Sori 5!
FOREIGNER : I think you are sick!
PEDRO : Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!

GUY : Atty, gusto ko mag ilis ug name.
ATTY : Ngano man? Unsa diay name nimo?
GUY : Jograd Putig-tae
ATTY : Bitaw bati-a jud, unsa gusto nimo name iilis?
GUY : Caloy Putig-tae (bwahaaaha)

MAMA : Anak dili ka manguyab sa mga dalaga ning baryoha ha kay puro imong paryente.
ANAK : O ma!
MAMA : O ngano tutok man ka sa baka?
ANAK : Mama sad oy hasta baka akong paryente?

MISS : Mao to ako mga sala padre, hinaut pasayloon ko sa Ginoo
PARI : Ayaw kaguol anak, gipasaylo kana. Pero istoryahi ko usab bahin adtong blowjob ug 69!

TITSER : Juan, use DOES in a sentence….
JUAN : Maam, the carabao doesmag the tree!
TITSER : What? What?
JUAN : Matabang nimo ug “huwat” nga nadasmag na!

CUSTOMER : Waiter! Kadugay gud sa akong order, pila man diay ang cook ninyo dire?
WAITER : Ay sir wala man mi coke dinhi, pipsi lang! Pipsi!

ASAWA : Buang ka! Bayot ka man diay! Diha na ka!
BANA : Love, asa man ka?
ASAWA : Mulakaw ko! Mangita ko’g laki!
BANA : Duhaa lab ha, tagsa ta!

JUAN : Isaag ra gud ning iring, ilabay sa layo
PEDRO : Oki!
JUAN : O, ngano na gab-hian man ka lagi?
PEDRO : Litseng iringa na! Kung wala ko nisunod sa iyaha di ko kauli! Bweset!

PARE 1 : Ganiha rako tuyok2 waman jud nangagda kaon, fiesta man unta, mayka diha Nangikki naka!
PARE 2 : Na pre, ug wapa nako daginuta akong kiki nakuyapan nako!

MAM : Kung wala naka’y usa ka dungan, ma unsa man ka?
BATA : Mu hinay akong pag dungog!
MAM : Kung duha ka dungan?
BATA : Ma buta ko!
MAM : Ha! Ngano man?
BATA : Matagak man akong eyeglasses!

A ship sank..2 sailors adrift..
SAILOR 1 : Lord, palahubog mi, mga sugarol, botakal nya daghan mi mga kabit. If you save us Lord we promise to ..
SAILOR 2 : Taymsa! Ayaw sa promise naa ko nakit-an na island!

Parrot shouted to three nuns passing by, “ Blue, black, red” the nuns were amazed because those were the colors of their panties.
The second day the parrot shouted..” Yellow, white, green” Parrot got the correct colors of their panties yet again!
On the third day, the nuns decided not to put on panties..The parrot got confused but quickly recovered and yelled, “
KULOT, UBANON, OPAW!

2 ka amiga hubog sa bar. Paguli, niagi sa cemetery. Nangalibang ang duha. Ang usa gigamit ang panty para itrapo ug gilabay; ug ang usa, nakakitag wreth sa lubong ug maoy gitrapo.
Pagkabuntag, ang ilang bana nagkita…
BITOY : Pre, bantayan nato ang atong mga misis, ang ako nipauli kagabii wa nay panty.
BERTING : Ang ako mas grabe pre dunay card nipilit sa iyang lobot nga nag-ingon, “well never forget you, from all the guys at the Fire Dept.!”

Pag AMERIKANO umutot...EXCUSE ME!
Pag BRITISH : PARDON ME!
Pag ESPAÑOL : EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAN!
Pag PINOY : BUYAG! Dili ako! Mamatay unta ang nangutot!!

Women's prayer at the age of ...
21 - Give me a best man..
25 - Give me a good man.
30 - Give me a man.
40 - Lord, asa naman?
50 - Wa pa man?
60 - Ngano man?
70 - HUROT naman!

Nagsulat si Dako sa iya Tatay...

Dear Tatay,

Padad-e me ug usa ka kilong bugas ug usa ka dosenang itlog.

Imong anak,
Dako

Si Dako nigawas, unya ning sulod si Gamay! Nagisi ni Gamay ang sulat, gi tape na lang ni Gamay ug tape! Gisugo ni Dako si Gamay ug pa mail sa sulat! Pagbasa sa ilang Tatay..

Dear bugas, padad-e me ug usa ka kilong Tatay! Ug usa
ka dosenang anak. Imong itlog dako!

Dear Dodong,

Sa sunod bah, Carnation Non-fat Milk lang ang ipadala kay nagkalibanga imong Tatay sa Nivea Moisturizing Milk.

Daghang Salamat..

Nanay

Bisaya Jokes (Part 2)

ANAK : Nay, Nay! Naa nakoy regla!
NANAY : Aber, unsa may color?
ANAK : DARK BROWN, nay!
NANAY : Asus! Igit na! Hala hugasi imong lobot! Ambisyoso kang bayota ka!

Duha ka misis nangamote...
MRS 1 : Mahinumdom gyod ko sa itlog sa akong bana aning kamoteha.
MRS 2 : Sa kadak-on?
MRS 1 : Dili, sa KABULINGON!

2 room mates talking...
BOY 1 : Part, lami kaayo dream nako gabii! Gitilaan daw nako ang tunga-tunga sa boobs ni Cristine Reyes
BOY 2 : Buang ka! bantog ra basa akong lubot!

MADRE : Father nakasala baya ko.. Nakagunit ko ug "bird" sa lalake..
PARE : Naay Holy Water sister, panghunaw!
MADRE : Daghana padre kay akong ilimogmog ang uban!

In a rape case:
ATTY : Miss, naipasok ba sa iyo ang ORGAN ng nasasakdal?
LADY : Feeling ko... Parang di pud ORGAN your honor... Dako ra pud nang ORGAN uy!

ANAK : Nay, gilili akong panty sa akong klasmeyt!
NANAY : Kabastos gud! Unsay imong gihimo?
ANAK : Akong gihubo akong panty ug gihipos sa akong bag aron di na niya makit-an!

ANAK : Tay, unsaon paghalok sa GUAPA UG PANGIT?
TATAY : Gwapa gani, hagkan ang NAWONG unya kumuton ang totoy... Kung pangit,
hagkan ang totoy unya kumuton ang NAWONG!

Asawa nasakpan gikuan sa silingan.... Gipusil sa bana ang lalake, PATAY!
ASAWA : Sus, banaha ka! kung dili ka mag-usab sa imong batasan, mahurot atong silingan!!!

BATA : Tay! kinsa imo pinangga, ako o si nanay?
TATAY : Syempre IKAW!
BATA : Bantog ra inig kaadlawon ako imong habulan, si Nanay imong HUBUAN!

TITSER : Class, use AMONG in a sentence...
STUDENT 1 : AMONG the trees, the coconut is the best!
TITSER : Very good! How about you Kevin?
KEVIN : AMONG maid gikamang ni Papa!

BANA : Kuyawa sa akong damgo love. Gabitay ko sa pangpang, kupot ra ko sa sagbot.
ASAWA : Buang ka! Mao diayg pwerteng sakita akong bolbol imong gibira-bira gabie!

2 ka prostitute...
P1 : Tungod sa kalisod karon nuh, P5 pesos ako na lang dawaton kada sex.
P2 : Ah, ako gane blowjob free nalang masudlan lang ako tiyan!

HELPER : Padre, gi texan ko sa akong amo nga naa ron sa abroad nga pamisahan kunu ni ang ilang iro nga namatay.
PARI : Inday, tawo ra intawn ang misahan walay labot ang iro! Nabuang na sila?
HELPER : Na! Unya unsaon ta man ni rong gi padala nga $10,000 para sa misa?
PARI : Aw! Wala man ka mo ingon nga katoliko diay ning inyong IRO! Dad-a dire!

MISTER : Dok, nagdugo man lage sa first night ang akong asawa nga burikat man sa una.?
( gi- examin ang asawa sa Doctor....)
DOCTOR : walay kaso mister, napaksi lang ang kubal, bwahahaaa!

APO : Lola, attend ako tipar ha.
LOLA : Unsa ng tipar bah?
APO : Tipar gud party bah, sa binali..
LOLA : Puro sturya istambay! Mga PS mo tanan!
APO : Unsa ng PS la?
LOLA : Pakeng shet!

CRIMINAL 1 : Pre, cgurado kang ari to agi atong patyon?
CRIMINAL 2 : Oo pre, hibulong bitaw ko usa ka oras na wala lang gihapon siya?
CRIMINAL 1 : Ayay, mayta walay nahitabo ato niya dah!

ASAWA : Love, gitagalan na ako kinabuhi. Last nyt nani nako karon. Pls make love to me!
BANA : Heh! Paghilom diha. Sayo pa tawn ko mumata ugma. Maayo man ka kay dili na!

ANAK : Dad, mangayo unta kog P50.
DAD : P40!? Kadaku gud anang P30? Unsaon mana nimo ang P20? Abi nimo sayon ra
pangitaon ang P10? O, niay P5. Iuli ang sukli ha!

GIRL : Pa check up mi Dok?
DOC : Sige hubo-a ang panty ug bra unya higda.
GIRL : Dili man ako, ako mang lola.
DOC : Sige la, ginhawa ug lawom!
LOLA : Di ko maghubo doc?
DOC : Ginhawa!!! Gahig ulo!

Sa pharmacy...
BOY : Miss, palit kog condom.
TINDERA : Sayz sir.
BOY : (gihinay ang tingog pahunghung) Hmmm... Small lang miss.
TINDERA : Dili sir, kbaw ko gamay kag ****, ako pasabaot tag sayz pesos ang usa ba..

ANAK : Nay, palit tag bebel gam.
NANAY : Amew! Dili na bebel gam, bubble gum.
ANAK : Whatever! Gae lang ko sinsiyo beh.
NANAY : Kuha lang sa ako Corn First nak!

MARE 1 : Grabe na jud ko ka kalimtanon oi, musaka gani ko ug hagdan muhunong ko kay malimot ko kung paingon bako taas o sa ubos.
MARE 2: Ako? Simbako lang.. (with matching knock 3 tyms on wood), dili jud ko limtanon. Excuse me sa ha kay murag naay nanuktok...

BOY : Blessed me father for I have sinned..
PARI : Go ahead my son..
BOY : Nanlili ko ug babae, naligo man tu cya, kita iyang dughan, dako kayo ug totoy, puti kayo ug paa, nya gahubo ug panty..
PARI : Unsa pa?
BOY : Wa na kay ni brown out man.
PARI : Atay jud ning VECO oi!

WIFE : Gikan nasad ka sa imong kabit nuh? Unya nag 69 mo!
BANA : (nakurat kay tinuod man) ngano man? Naay bolbol akong baba?
WIFE : Wa man. Imong ilong nay TAE! Amaw!

After sex with a college girl...
MAYOR : Hmmm... How much?
GIRL : P200 pesos lang sir.
MAYOR : What? How can you live with P200 pesos!?
GIRL : Ay sir sideline rani nako, blackmail man jud ako business... Bantay mam ha!!!

TITSER : Class, what are the different colors of bananas?
JUAN : Mam green, yellow, red and brown.
TITSER : Gago jud ka, naa bay brown nga saging?!
JUAN : Gaga sad ka ang nilung-ag diay piki na!?

Sexy girl nangumpisal...
PARI : Iha unsa may imong sala?
GIRL : Father, ug makabati kog lalaki nga mamalikas, di nako mapugngan makig sex niya!
PARI : Buang, ka leche gud anang sala-a, peste! Ataya nuh!

LOLA : Honey, nabantayan jud nako bah nga kung mangape ta, mag-init dayon akong lawas
LOLO : Nganong dili manginit, tan-awa ra gud na imong totoy, natuslob na sa kape!

LALAKE : Dong, mabaw ning suba?
BATA : Oo nong!
LALAKE : (nilukso sa suba) Pisti tabang! Kalalum! Ingon ka dong mabaw!
BATA : Mabaw bitaw nong. Nitabok man gani ang itik ganina!

JOE : Pre, kada gabii ko sige kuhiton sa akong misis. Unsay akong himoon?
NED : Ka ok ra ana pre! Unsa may problema nimo?
JOE : Hadlok ko, tulo na cya ka tuig namatay!

TEACHER : Unsay angay buhaton pag maglinog?
PUPIL : Mag suga sir!
TEACHER : Ha! Ngano man?
PUPIL : Nag linog sa amo payag kada gabii sir, pag siga nako sa suga mo undang dayon!

APO : Naunsa man ka lo? Nag lipstick man ka, kampat pa jud!
LOLO : Ha! ? Buang man diay tu imo lola, wa man magsulti nga gi regla diay!

DOC : What happened to your ears?
PEDRO : Namlantsa man gud ko doc, then ni ring ang telepono, pagtubag nako, ang plantsa ang akong nagunitan instead sa phone.
DOC : Why both ears man?
PEDRO : Ang boang nitawag ug balik!

NANAY : Bogo jud kayo ka oi! 1-10 dili ka ka ihap ug tiwas!
ANAK : Mas bogo si Tatay nay..
NANAY : Kay ngano man aber?
ANAK : Ako cya nadungan kausa nga ni ingon cya “ Di na ko day kutob ra tulo ako ma kaya!”

MELANISMS

- I won't stoop down to my level.

- Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

- 'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.

- Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo... Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.

- We are lovers, not fighters.

- My brother is not a girl; he's a gentleman.

- That's why I'm a success, it's because I don't middle in other people's lives.

- Don't judge my brother; he's not a book.

- Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.

- I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.

- Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat.
(During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)

- Sumasakit ang migraine ko.

- Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

- Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right)

- At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek's mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation)

"Oo nga," said Melanie, "pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.
"She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, "And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!"

- When asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their houseboy:
"Don't worry little angel, big angel is here."

- On what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid:
"He should be put behind bar."

- "You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four"

- While waiting backstage during a noontime show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number.

"Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes."