Let's get religious

MAN : "Dear God, what is a million years to you?"
GOD : "Like a second!"
MAN : "What about a million pesos?"
GOD : "Like a centavo!"
MAN : "So, can I have a centavo?"
GOD : "Okay, wait a second!"

Lyka was preparing pancake (puto-kawali) for her sons, Bert, 5, and Lloyd, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Lyka saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said to them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait." Bert turned to his younger brother and said, "Lloyd, you be Jesus!"

Sylvia, is a six-year-old girl. Dad and Mom invited some people to dinner. At the table, her Mom turned to her.
MOM : "Would you like to do the blessing?"
SYLVIA : "I would not know what to say!"
MOM : "Just say what you hear Mommy say."
Sylvia bowed her heard and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!"

Leny, a 5-year old girl, was also overheard praying in church: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name, Amen!"

Boboy, a 6-year old boy, was overhard praying in church: "Lord, if you cannot make me a better boy, do not worry about it. I am having a real good time like I am!"

PILOTO SA TOWER : "Wala na kaming fuel, 500 kilometro pa kami from shore. Give your instructions, over!"
TOWER : "Repeat after me. Our Father, Who Art in Heaven...."

Mayroong isang pulubi na nagdarasal sa harap ng altar ng simbahan.
PULUBI : "Diyos ko! Bigyan po ninyo ako ng pera kahit na sampung piso. Isang buwan na po akong hindi nakakain ng tama. Papulot-pulot po ako ng tira sa basurahan!"
Habang dinarasal niya ito, may isang pulis na nadarasal din sa tabi niya at narinig siya. Naawa ang pulis sa pulubi at dumukot ito sa bulsa niya ng limang piso. Dahan-dahan itong lumapit sa pulubi para i-abot. Maingat niyang inilapag ang limang piso sa nakadipang kamay ng pulubi. Ngunit napansin ito ng pulubi at nagdasal muli.
"O, Diyos ko! Sa susunod po kung maaari, kung magbibigay kayo, huwag na sanang padaanin pa sa pulis, kasi po, BINABAWASAN!"

Attending a wedding for the first time, Tessie, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Mom, why is the bride dressed in white?" Her mother replies, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life!" Tessie thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" (He, he, he, very good question, hindi nakasagot ang Mommy niya!)

CONFUCIUS SAYS:
Before you criticize anyone, walk a mile in his shoes. This way, if he gets mad, you are a mile away, and you have his shoes too.

NUN : Mother superior, I’ve been raped by 5 men!
SISTER : Dios mio! Eat this CALAMANSI fruit!
NUN : Will this help me calm down?
SISTER : Gaga! Amaw para ma wala nang imong katawa sa nawong!

3 nuns talking…
1ST NUN : I saw a box of condom at father’s room
2ND NUN : Don’t wori, I put a hole on each condom so it wont be effective
3RD NUN : collapsed

SINNER : Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I'm sexually preoccupied and often read dirty jokes and graphics from my cellphone.
PRIEST : My child ... can we be textmates?

Lumulubog ang barko...
PARI : San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
MADRE : Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta.Lucia!...
INTSIK : Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!!

MAN: "Padre, ako po ay nagnakaw ng mga sapatos na Reebok at Nike."
PADRE: "Shhh... may size 7 ba?"

CONVICT: Father forgive me for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo anak.
CONVICT: Father, pinapatay ko lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo ba naniniwala sa kanya?
PRIEST: Sino yon?