This Iz A Stikkup!

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Guranteed Weight Loss Program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.

For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Filipino names

This article was written by a British journalist stationed in the Philippines.
His observations are so hilarious!!! ! This was written in 1999.

WHEN I arrived in the Philippines from the UK six years ago, one of the first cultural differences to strike me was names. The subject has provided a continuing source of amazement and amusement ever since. The first unusual thing, from an English perspective, is that everyone here has a nickname. In the staid and boring United Kingdom, we have nicknames in kindergarten, but when we move into adulthood we tend, I am glad to say, to lose them.

The second thing that struck me is that Philippine names for both girls and boys tend to be what we in the UK would regard as overbearingly cutesy for anyone over about five. Fifty-five-year- olds colleague put it. Where I come from, a boy with a nickname like Boy Blue or Honey Boy would be beaten to death at school by pre-adolescent bullies, and never make it to adulthood. So, probably, would girls with names like Babes, Lovely, Precious, Peachy or Apples. Yuk, ech ech.

Here, however, no one bats an eyelid. Then I noticed how many people have what I have come to call "door-bell names". These are nicknames that sound like -well, doorbells. There are millions of them. Bing, Bong, Ding, and Dong are some of the more common. They can be, and frequently are, used in even more door-bell-like combinations such as Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong, Ting-Ting, and so on. Even our newly appointed chief of police has a doorbell name Ping. None of these doorbell names exist where I come from, and hence sound unusually amusing to my untutored foreign ear.

Someone once told me that one of the Bings, when asked why he was called Bing, replied, "because my brother is called Bong". Faultless logic. Dong, of course, is a particularly funny one for me, as where I come from "dong" is a slang word for well; perhaps "talong" is the best Tagalog equivalent.

Repeating names was another novelty to me, having never before encountered people with names like Len-Len, Let-Let, Mai-Mai, or Ning-Ning. The secretary I inherited on my arrival had an unusual one: Leck-Leck. Such names are then frequently further refined by using the "squared" symbol, as in Len2 or Mai2. This had me very confused for a while.

Then there is the trend for parents to stick to a theme when naming their children. This can be as simple as making them all begin with the same letter, as in Jun, Jimmy, Janice, and Joy. More imaginative parents shoot for more sophisticated forms of assonance or rhyme, as in Biboy, Boboy, Buboy, Baboy (notice the names get worse the more kids there are-best to be born early or you could end up being a Baboy). Even better, parents can create whole families of, say, desserts (Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Honey Pie) or flowers (Rose, Daffodil, Tulip). The main advantage of such combinations is that they look great painted across your trunk if you're a cab driver.

That's another thing I'd never seen before coming to Manila -- taxis with the driver's kids' names on the trunk.

Another whole eye-opening field for the foreign visitor is the phenomenon of the "composite" name. This includes names like Jejomar (for Jesus, Joseph and Mary), and the remarkable Luzviminda (for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao, believe it or not). That's a bit like me being called something like "Engscowani" (for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland). Between you and me, I'm glad I'm not.

And how could I forget to mention the fabulous concept of the randomly inserted letter 'h'. Quite what this device is supposed to achieve, I have not yet figured out, but I think it is designed to give a touch of class to an otherwise only averagely weird name. It results in creations like Jhun, Lhenn, Ghemma, and Jhimmy. Or how about Jhun-Jhun (Jhun2)?

How boring to come from a country like the UK full of people with names like John Smith. How wonderful to come from a country where imagination and exoticism rule the world of names. Even the towns here have weird names; my favorite is the unbelievably named town of Sexmoan (ironically close to Olongapo and Angeles). Where else in the world could that really be true? Where else in the world could the head of the Church really be called Cardinal Sin? Where else but the Philippines! Note: Philippines has a senator named Joker, and it is his legal name.

Status: In a relationship

Misis : Dir, bkit may black eye ka?
Mister: Paakyat kc ako sa escalator sa mega mall. Napansin ko na naipit yung mini skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kanyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, humarap sya sakin at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.
Misis : Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black eye mo sa kanang mata?
Mister : E kase, kala ko gusto nyang nakaipit talaga yung palda nya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.

BF: "Sweetie, puwede ko bang ipasok ang aking pag-ibig sa butas ng iyong pagmamahal?"
GF: "Sobra ka namang magsalita, sweetie, nakakabuntis ka ng damdamin!"

Iska: "Kung may gustong mag-rape sa akin, talaga bang ipagtatanggol mo ako kahit mamatay ka?"
Kiko: "Simpre!"
Iska: "Paano kung dalawa sila?"
Kiko: "Kahit pa!"
Iska: "Eh, kung lima o anim sila?"
Kiko: "Teka nga muna! Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo ang ma-rape ka o ang mamatay ako?"

Types of couples (Version 1) :
1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = made in heaven.
2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = true love.
3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = galing diskarte.
4. Boy Panget + Girl Panget = no choice.

Types of couples (Version 2) :
1. Boy Gwapo + Girl Ganda = nagmamahalan
2. Boy Gwapo + Girl Panget = pinikot!
3. Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = tinutukan!
4. Boy Panget + Girl Pangit = pasensyahan

Lalaki: "Taksil ka! Baog ako paano ka nabuntis? Sino ang ama? Ang kaibigan kong si Karyo, si Pekto, o si Teban?"
Asawa: "Puro kaibigan mo, kaibigan mo na lang! Bakit ako ba ay walang kaibigan?"

Man: "May nakapagsabi na ba sa iyo na maganda ka?"
Woman: (Kilig to the bones) "Wala pa nga, eh...!"
Man: "Palagay ko, tama sila!"

Wife: "Pag may problema ako, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo!"
Husband: "Sabi ko na nga ba eh! Talagang mahal na mahal mo ako!"
Wife: "Hindi iyon! Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO!"

Mrs.: Lolokohin ko ang Mister ko. Magpapangggap akong pick-up girl.
Pagkakita kay Mister: "Hi Pogi! Available ako ngayon".
Mister: "Ayoko sa iyo! Kamukha ka ng Misis ko!"

Man and woman after sex:
WOMAN: Bakit kuha mo picture ang flower ko?
MAN: Papasikat ako sa barkada ko, Bat ikaw kuha mo picture bird ko?
WOMAN: wala, ipapaenlarge ko.

"Darling, ni-rape ako ng gorilya sa bundok!" hangos na sumbong ng asawang babae.
"Walanghiyang gorilya `yon, teka nga!" sigaw ng lalaki sabay layas para umakyat sa bundok.
Pagkalipas ng isang oras, bumalik ang lalaki.
"Naipaghiganti na kita, Darling," sabi ng lalaki.
"Napatay mo na `yung gorilya?" tanong ng babae.
"Hindi, Darling, ni-rape ko rin `yung asawa niya!"

Nakasalubong ng mayor at misis nito ang dating manliligaw ng babae.
"`Di ba nanligaw sa iyo dati `yang lalaking `yan?" tanong ng mayor sa asawa.
"Oo," sagot ng misis.
"Kita mo na, kung siya ang pinakasalan mo, `di sana, hindi ka misis ng mayor ngayon?" pagyayabang ng mayor.
Tumaas lang ang kilay ng misis.
"Kung siya ang pinakasalan ko, `di sana, siya ngayon ang mayor at hindi ikaw."

"Ibinebenta n`yo ho itong Civic ng isanlibong piso lang? Ano po ang diperensiya?" pagtatakang tanong ni Juan sa binisitang bahay ni Maria na nagpa-advertise ng binebentang kotse.
"Wala. Tatlong buwan pa lang `yan sa amin ng mister ko," sabi ni Maria.
"Bakit n`yo ibinebenta nang mura?"
"Iniwanan ako ng mister ko noong isang linggo at sumama sa sekretarya niya. Ang sabi niya sa akin, akin ang bahay, ang lupa at ang pera namin sa bangko. Pakibenta na lang daw ang kotseng ito at ibigay sa kanya ang pinagbentahan at `ayun na lang daw ang sa kanya," paliwanag ng benggadorang si Maria.

"Habang pinapanood mong inumin ang kapeng may lason ng asawa mo, hindi ka man lang ba naawa sa kanya kahit isang beses?" tanong ng abogado sa babaeng nasasakdal.
"Naawa naman po," sagot ng babae.
"At kailan `yon?"
"Nu'ng humingi siya ng isa pang tasa ng kape."

Mrs: "Darling, manganganak na ako!
Mr: "Ha?, Sige, pigilan mo muna at dadalhin kita sa Pizza Hut!"
Mrs: "Bakit sa Pizza Hut at hindi sa hospital?"
Mrs: "Kasi sa Pizza Hut ay may free delivery!"

Umuwi mula Saudi si Juancho at siyempre marami siyang dalang pasalubong. Nag-umpisang pakialaman ng kanyang misis ang mga bagahe niya.
"Para kanino itong mga alak na ito?" tanong ng misis ni Juancho.
"Para kay Parenng Warlow `yan, nagbago na ako at hindi na ako umiinom ng alak," sagot ni Juancho.
"Mabuti naman. At para kanino naman itong mga sigarilyo na ito?"
"Para naman kay Pareng Danny. Sabi ko nga sa mga sulat ko sa iyo na nagbago na ako, 'di ba? Hindi na ako umiinom, naninigarilyo at nambababae."
"Ay, salamat sa Diyos," nasabi na lang ng kanyang misis habang nagsasalansan pa rin ng mga gamit at nakita ang iba pang dalahin. "Para sa akin ba itong mga pabango at mga make-up?"
"Hindi!" sigaw ni Juancho. "Sabi ko nga sa iyo nagbago na ako. Akin na `yang mga beauty set ko at akin 'yan!
From now on don't call me Juancho. I'm Joan, please!"

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng GIRL sa organ ng lalaki...
BF : Gusto mo pa?
GF : Hindi, nami miss ko lang....meron kasi ako dati nito eh!

Mom interviews her daughter's suitor:
Mom: What's your course?
Suitor: Geo po (for geology).
Mom: Ahhh... Geo-rnalism. Ok yan. (ok nga!)

Boyfriend to Girlfriend, may LQ
BF: What do you take me for? Granted?!!!

Guy to Girl
GUY: I love you. This is not a ball. ("Hindi ito bola" in English)